A gentleman who had attended one of my Golf Happiness workshops called me recently. He was beside himself with excitement because he’d come across a quotation that he believed was a perfect fit with my workshops. He proceeded to quote: “If you make every game a life or death proposition, you’re going to have problems. For one thing, you’ll be dead a lot!”

I laughed as he revealed that the author was Dean Smith. Being from North Carolina, I was very familiar with the man, the great former basketball coach at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. I now use that quotation frequently because it does fit perfectly with my philosophy about the game. GOLF IS A GAME, not a life threatening experience. Of course Dean Smith wasn’t talking about a physical death. He was referring to an emotional death brought on by attaching our self worth to our results. If we play well, we’re ok. Play poorly and we’re stupid idiots!

While striving for a perfection that is unattainable, we ultimately deteriorate into the belief that no matter what we do, we will never be good enough. The constant wear and tear on our psyche beats us down until we are walking talking golfing zombies. Not exactly the best formula for playing a good or enjoyable game of golf. And that is just the point, when we lose our perspective about the GAME we not only lose the ability to have FUN and enjoy the experience, we rob ourselves of any chance we might have of actually playing well.

The horrid mask in the picture is a prop I use in my workshops. His name is “Joe” and he represents the physical manifestation of what we do to ourselves when we beat ourselves silly for not living up to our expectations. I personally relate to Joe because I used to do just that when I was on tour. I joke about it now, telling people that in those days, if you held Joe beside me and asked which one was Melissa, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference!

How did I escape this horrible trap? Well, I started at the beginning; I decided that I was not my swing or my scores and that I would no longer attach my self worth to my results. I then set the goal every time I played that I would not judge myself. No matter how I hit the ball or the scores that I shot, I would not judge myself. You know what happened? I failed miserably the first time. But I was determined to lick this problem and climbed back on the horse by immediately playing again. In time, with practice and a large dose of self- forgiveness, I overcame the temptation to beat myself up and learned to actually enjoy the experience of playing golf. Since my fun was no longer contingent upon my scores, the pressure to perform dropped and my RESULTS ACTUALLY STARTED IMPROVING!

One of my three categories for this Lasting Solution page is to “Play and Have Fun.” That is exactly what golf is, a GAME we PLAY for FUN and relaxation, to enhance the quality of our lives. If you find yourself making the game more important than it is, and are dying a slow death from every round, I have a suggestion. Instead of grinding away hour after miserable hour on the driving range with the belief that all your answers are found in the swing, start “practicing” not judging yourself. The next time you play, make that your only goal. In the beginning it will be difficult. But with commitment, patience, and a little self-forgiveness, you will discover that over time, it really gets easier. Eventually, all the energy you expended by wallowing in frustration and self-pity will now be available to experience fully everything you love about the game. Think of it as a two for one deal. Not only will you enjoy the GAME more; you will PLAY better. It's that SIMPLE!

© Melissa Whitmire Happiness in Golf